This may lead to a sense of betrayal and a dissonance that stays with the bereaved throughout their lives. Subtle clues, such as anxious or evasive answers, ultimately raise new questions. Children often suspect that there is more to the story than they were told, and this “phantom truth” may haunt the child. We may begin to see ourselves and the deceased differently, warping our memories and our perceptions. “Many adults have discovered that the narrative of a parent’s death was false or less than accurate,” wrote grief expert Harold Ivan Smith, adding that a collusion of silence can become more toxic than the concealed facts. They cheat us of the wisdom and compassion of others who know similar pain. Secrets empower guilt, shame, self-recrimination, and regret. But deceit in any form exacts a heavy toll. Perhaps we want to protect the memory of the deceased, our family name, or the sensibilities of children. Our rationale often sounds reasonable at first, particularly when the loss is tied to suicide, addiction, or murder. They may take the form of evasions, half-truths, or outright lies. In time we would learn just how much.įamily secrets about a death seem to be the hardest to keep and the most fiercely defended. “It doesn’t matter now.” But choosing to publicly acknowledge the manner of Jessica’s death did matter. Shortly after Jessica’s death, a thoughtful aunt asked if I wanted to keep the details private. My daughter Jessica died of a fentanyl-laced heroin overdose in 2015. Perhaps that’s one reason the Bible treats human failings with such unflinching honesty? -Philip However, as this guest blog by David Bannon shows, repressed secrets exert a dark power even if they never get exposed. Unplanned pregnancies, abortions, suicides, addictions, extramarital affairs, prison time-often families don’t speak of such events because of shame. I’ve been writing a memoir and, like most memoirs, it deals with family secrets.
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